Monday, April 11, 2016


“Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm… The water filled my lungs 
I screamed so loud, but no one heard a thing…

Life is hard sometimes.  Of course life is easy a lot of the times, but sometimes it’s hard, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s nothing to hide.  And if you’re lucky enough to have a space to vent like I do here with this blog, then it’s the perfect way to learn to breathe again.  It’s also a way to inspire and encourage other people.  Your hard times might mean something.  Your struggle might give life to someone else’s strength.  Think about it.  The way you learn to rise above your low points just might inspire someone else to do the same.

So, here you go – this past year was hard.  And my hard might be a lot different from your hard.  My hard wasn’t suffering in a third world country with no water or food, but my hard was hard enough for me.  And your hard can be hard enough for you -- and no one has the right to judge the difference.  My year started with stress and decisions.  It continued with a year-long stomach ache, tests and misdiagnoses from so many doctors.  It progressed with people telling me I was crazy, that I needed a therapist, that I needed anti-depressants which in turn made me sad and angry.  I felt disconnected to my own self, the relationship I valued the most. I felt lost.  Look people, I just have a really bad stomach ache, I feel like crap.  I’m not f*cking crazy.

So, between all the useless medication and pointless doctors’ appointments, I found my anxiety rising. I was finding it hard to sleep.  I was missing out on all the fun I should have been having.  I stopped writing as much.  I stopped living as much. I let the dark clouds take over, and I knew I was being consumed.  It wasn't just the stomach ache, it was the uncertainty.  The hypochondria in me that was just too overwhelming.

Then my uncle passed away.  I had to watch the hurt in my mother's eyes as she lost her sibling.  I had to help clean out his apartment and sort through all his belongings.  No one ever said that was an easy job, I just didn’t expect it to be so hard.  There’s that word again, hard.

Then the holidays came, and I coped.  I focused on family, on memories, on love, on what I do have.  It took a lot of strength for me to force myself to feel better, even if I was somewhat pretending.  You might be thinking how stupid I was for letting a stomach ache get the best of me, but this stomach ache lasted for so long – with no sight of it going away any time soon.  The holidays ended, my sister went back to TN, and my pain and anxiety came back. What can I distract myself with now, I feared.  

But, like life always does, the next things came.  My trip to Nashville, my birthday, weekend trips, my new love for yoga, warmer weather, long phone calls with the best friends a girl could have, lots of advice from my mom and dad, and listening to my boyfriend remind me how strong and brave I am, and it helped me bury my fears and my anxiety.  Sometimes you have to cover things up for a while just to be happy again, and sometimes it works – even if it’s only temporary.

Then something happened.  I met a new doctor, and I suddenly felt at ease – something I hadn’t felt in quite some time.  I felt like someone finally cared enough to help me.  And so, she has begun to. She figured out my stomach ache wasn’t just a stupid stomach ache at all, and although it’s nothing too serious, it’s something she’s going to try to fix, and I’m so grateful for that.  I’ve decided to put my trust in her, and to slowly let go of my hopeless mindset.  I’ve decided I have had enough. It’s time to be positive again.  It’s time to let my hard times go.  It’s time to shake off something that I’ve carried on my shoulders for a year.  It’s time to sleep through the night again, and it’s time to apologize to all of you for my lack of writing.  It’s time to realize it’s okay to write on this blog about things that aren’t always positive.  It’s okay to admit that I am human, and realize that humans don’t always know the right answers -- they just do what they think is best at the time.  Finally, it’s time to both apologize to and forgive myself for letting worry and anxiety steal a year of my life. 

I guess that’s why they say when it rains it pours -- and I’ve surely learned that even though the mild rain turns to heavy pouring, sometimes you really need that storm to wash away all the dust and pollution that’s been hanging around your mind for too long.  Sometimes it’s the only way to cleanse your soul, and I can't wait to be refreshed.

…Rain came pouring down when I was drowning,
that’s when I could finally breathe”