Quick Update, I'm ready for Spring.

Hi guys, I hope you've all been feeling well with happiness, things to look forward to, no sicknesses (unless you have toddlers and school aged kids because there's literally no escaping it if you do), and I hope you are all finding ways to cope, thrive, stay calm, and maintain your sanity in the chaos of every day life (no but really if you can do all of this, please slide into my DMs so you can share your secrets with me, k thanks).

As for me, I can safely say my migraines are still being held at bay by my meds for the most part, and I'm thanking the good lord above for that little gift.  The kids have been sick on and off with strep, ear infections, colds, throwing up, etc., but I, myself, have somehow managed to steer clear of the germs this month, so I'd call that a pretty solid win, even though I hate seeing my babies not feeling well.

But what's not a win, you're wondering?  This weather lately.  Cold, windy, damp and raw- the rain is no bueno.

Side note: Is it weird if I say I don't like the rain, but I love the feel of it?  Let me explain.  I don't love packing my jeep and getting the kids into it in the rain, driving in the rain, or my clothes, glasses, and shoes getting wet, or the fact that the kids can't go outside and play in the yard, but I love KNOWING that it's raining outside while I'm tucked away in my office with a coffee, or working from home on my couch with the kittens, or when I'm finally under my cozy sheets at night listening to the pitter patter against the windows.  It's something about the feel and smell (which I used to enjoy pre-COVID loss of scent) that just drives deep thought and emotion and the urge to write... it's something that has always inspired new thought and evoked old memories all at once.  Ahh, so bittersweet.

Anyhow... I am craving some nice weather though. You know, I was never really one of those people who would say I CAN'T STAND THE WINTER, I SWEAR TO GOD IF I SEE ONE MORE GODDAMN FLAKE OF SNOW, BLAH BLAH BLAH... Until this year.  I am seriously CRAVING the nice weather, I just need all of it, everything that comes with Spring time: blooming flowers, green grass, and birds chirping in the morning - although hoping they can be generous enough to wait until 6am to start their back and forth morning madness from the trees.  I am so ready for evening walks with no coats, ice cream dates, soccer games that aren't freezing (unless you also live in my town and have realized that the soccer fields here are quite literally the coldest place on earth no matter what season it is).  I'm so excited for open windows, airing all the germs out, playing outside and watching the kids' hair blow in the breeze, the sun staying out later and later each night, exploring new playgrounds, and cleaning dirty little feet and hands in the tub at night after being outside all day, knowing how well they'll sleep from the sunshine.

Spring is just such a great thing to look forward to, although I'm a little nervous it's going to bring back memories of last April - the hardest month of my life when we lost my Dad, but I'm thinking he's going to be sending some serious healing vibes to help us cope, and we are taking the kids and my mom on a mini getaway to Maine at one of our family favorite places, so we can stay happy and busy while we build new family memories, because that's what he'd want for us.  I just know it.  

I've figured out one of the best things about spring is that summer is the next thing to look forward to - I'm talking pool days, popsicles, the 4th of July parade, the smell of bonfires (or again in my case, lack thereof), summer sports, tanned skin, drinks with my sister outside since she'll be home all summer, Paul looking handsome grilling with no shirt on, multiple iced coffees per day no matter how bad the caffeine shakes get, cute summer outfits, pedicures, short sleeve shirts that show off my new tattoo, BBQs and outside family time, not having to layer the kids in sweatshirts, coats, and boots, and just everything that makes summer so easy - those are the things I'm excited about because I've learned that you have to be constantly excited about something because it really does make the tough times a little bit easier to navigate.  

Can anyone relate?

<3, Holly

Migraines - The Absolute Worst.

Migraines: a condition I've lived with for almost all my life.  In fact, I remember the first attack I ever had, I couldn't have been more than 8 years old.  I vividly remember another attack soon thereafter, while on the soccer field, being overcome with the worst pain ever, quite literally thinking I was going to die right then and there in my shin pads and cleats.

I remember so many days crying to my mom, missing school, throwing up in a pan, begging God to just take the pain away, and wondering why none of my friends were experiencing this crazy thing that had suddenly taken over my life.  I saw doctors and answered so many question about what "triggered" these attacks (i.e. food, drink, allergens, activities), and nothing was adding up.  I began to wonder if there was something wrong with my brain, and apparently the doctors did too because it wasn't too long after a bad attack at about 10 years old that the neurologist sent me for my first MRI.  I was friggin petrified because I also hate being enclosed in tight spaces (flash forward to 2022 when I was 9 months pregnant with Jase and I got stuck in the elevator on the way up to my OBGYN appointment and again, quite literally thought I was going to die of a panic stricken heart attack, but that's a story for another day), but I was desperate to make these headaches stop.

I remember knowing my mom was also terrified, because I overheard her calling my dad at work to tell him I was going for an MRI, but luckily she held my hand through it all, and I was able to listen to a CD (remember those?) during the scan (I chose LeAnn Rimes), and soon enough it was over, and my results were clear, and everyone was happy... until the next migraine came to wreak havoc on my little body, leaving us with the same question... WHY?

And so it went for the next 30 or so years.  I've had numerous appointments, scans, tried natural remedies like ginger and magnesium, Benadryl at night, tried to exercise the headaches away, I've been to therapy, tried journaling everything I did before the migraine to see if I could find a direct cause, and I've probably eaten more Advil and painkillers than any human should ever consume in a lifetime.  Even the Oxy's I got from my C-Sections won't touch the pain, and I admit there have been times I'd probably have taken street drugs just to take the edge off (if I knew how to get my hands on them) because hey, desperate times call for desperate f*cking measures.

I've truly never been able to figure out what causes these attacks - are they hormonal?  No, because they come at all random times of the month.  Is it from caffeine or lack thereof?  No, because I've tried limiting and increasing caffeine and it doesn't make a difference.  Does alcohol cause them?  Of course alcohol can cause next day hangover headaches, but those aren't the same as the excruciating migraine attacks that come out of nowhere.  Is stress the root?  Honey, I've been stressed out since birth and let's face it, ain't no anti-anxiety meds strong enough to take these headaches away so kindly, no, stress is not the root.  I could be on a god damn beach in Mexico with a drink in my hand and Taylor Swift blasting through speakers in my absolute glory and BOOM - here comes a migraine just to f*ck up my day.

This has been a repeat cycle for my. whole. damn. life. 

Finally I had had enough.  Two months ago I made an appointment with a new NP at my primary care doctor's office and explained what I've been dealing with, giving her a basic rundown of everything you just read above, and I'm not sure if she thought I was absolutely crazy or truly sympathized with me, but she prescribed a magic little pill called Sumatriptan (which everyone seems to know about and I'm over here wondering why the Christ no one prescribed this to me before), but so far so good, and the few times I have taken this medicine, it has actually WORKED.  Well, it has taken about 75% of the pain away during an attack and after what I've been through, I'd call that a serious win.  Wouldn't you?

So here I am, writing this post, with only a tiny bit of a headache left over from the one that came out of nowhere on my drive home last night, and I'm just thanking God that I was able to pop a little pill and wake up to most of the pain being gone.  I truly can't believe I have found something that works, for now.  I know many of you don't believe in medication or will probably tell me about the side effects migraine medication can cause, but listen - migraine attacks have stolen so many precious days from my life (Paul knows that when I have one, I'm literally out of commission, locked up inside my bedroom with a cloth over my eyes to keep the darkness in, and an ice pack on my skull to help numb the pain.  He even bought me a new ice pack for my birthday and should probably own half of the Tiger Balm company with the amount he's bought for me over the years to smother all over my temples).  Even Jackson knows when Mommy has a headache it means I am MIA for days, and he will sweetly deliver coffee and more ice up to my bedroom, probably checking to make sure I'm still alive.

So there you have it.  My battle with migraines - my biggest enemy.  Do any of you suffer from these as well?  Have you found anything that helps?  Let a sister know, maybe we can all help each other.

Xo,

Holly

Routines.

Let's talk about routines.

We've all heard it... families thrive with routines.

And yes, that is totally true.  So like the rest of parents just trying to do the right thing, when a new week is starting, I make sure all their clothes are washed and folded and laid out for them on Sunday nights - I'm talking shirts, pants, underwear, socks, sweatshirts for colder days - all neatly organized into piles to grab each morning to make for a seamless transition from pajamas to outfits.  I make sure Jackson always has something extra loose to wear on Wednesdays and Fridays because those are gym class days.  I remember which days he has art so that his nice clothes won't get stained from markers and paint.  Jase always has comfy cozy clothes ready because he is non stop running around and I want him to be comfortable.  Jackson's lunches are made the night before with cute little notes reminding him how proud I am of him and how much I love him.  Healthy snacks are always packed and ready.  Water bottles are washed.  Ice trays are filled (thanks to Paul).  Breakfast is thoroughly planned and thought out on Sunday afternoon grocery store trips, to make mornings easy.  Kids vitamins are easy to reach so they're never forgotten.  I set my alarm extra early so my hair either gets washed on the mornings I have to go into the office and look put together, or I strategically have an outfit ready in mind that will pair well with the slicked back bun look.  If it's a WFH day, I have my leggings and sweatshirt ready to go.  I wake up in a good mood with the hopes of an easy morning and day.  I open my eyes and all the tabs start opening in my brain, and I slowly remind myself that everything was set up the night before so we should be smooth sailing...

But what about when one or two little things happen, such as the boys jumping and dancing on their beds and laughing so sweetly until one of them falls or bangs their head and now the laughs have turned into cries, and then coming downstairs to the the discovery that the cats dumped their water dish (again) all over the bathroom floor and also threw up a lovely hairball that I stepped in, while holding a cranky toddler whose nose won't stop running and has decided he doesn't want to eat breakfast so he tosses it all on the rug secretly trying to feed the kitties... and oops, we forgot the Kindergarten "sight words" we were supposed to go over to prep for the quiz on Friday so now we have to somehow go through three nights' worth of words, I have to sign my parent initials and send the paper back in his folder to school.  Ok let me quickly go get dressed so we can sit down and learn those words, but oh no! I forgot to switch the laundry into the dryer the night before because my phone rang or I got distracted by an email, so now I can't wear what I planned, and I accidentally dropped my bronzer on the floor into a million pieces and now the cat is eating it, my contacts are SO BLURRY (why the F do my contacts always give me trouble when I'm already stressed), and now I'm sweating, and it's also spirit week so Jackson has to wear red, sports gear, pajamas, a hat, crazy socks that feel so weird when he puts them on, and his sneakers are soaked because he jumped in a puddle the night before, and we ran out of orange juice and I forgot to feed the cats breakfast because I was cleaning up their puke, so I'm speed texting Paul about WHY ARE MORNINGS SO HARD, and it's snowing so I can't forget to start my car early and the kids look so cute on the couch watching the snow fall out the window and I should snap a photo but I sneezed so the picture came out blurry, and I hope traffic isn't bad because my boss has a deposition so I should really get there early but god damnit my gas light is on E - why didn't I just get gas last night?

So then I load the kids in the car white knuckling the steering wheel answering all the questions and playing all 10 favorite songs during the 2 minute drive to Jackson's school, fielding work calls, pulling into his school at exactly 8:25am, making sure to give him a huge kiss before he jumps out of the car with his backpack on that's half the size of his perfect little body, thinking about how I could have had so much more patience this morning and they're only little once, while listening to Jase scream BYE JACKIE, I LOVE YOUUUUUUU as he exits my jeep, then driving to my mom's and dropping Jase off and sneaking out quickly so he doesn't see me go, and tearing up while I drive away because I love these kids so damn much, so why in Christ's name is it so crazy just getting to this point each morning?

What about when all that happens?  What about when the routine just gets totally derailed?  Do you end up like me just so frazzled with overthinking it all that when you get to the speaker at the Starbucks line you drive right past it up to the window realizing you forgot to even order your coffee.... or are you normal?

Just curious :)

Love,

Holly

Welcome back...

Hi everyone!  It’s been so long since I’ve posted here…

Life has been extremely crazy over the last 4-5 years since I’ve written and shared this space with you.  Lots of good things have happened, a couple terrible things have happened, my life has never been so stressful and crazy, but I’m still here, stronger than ever, ready to get back to writing in this outlet not only for me, but because I’m hopeful there are some of you that can relate. If even just one of you thinks wow, I feel that too, then this is all worth it.

For those of you that have followed me over the last few years, you know that I got married in 2021, have two wild and crazy perfect sons, Jackson (age 6) and Jase (age 2), and two kittens (Sophie and Sully/twins).  I still have my full time job as a Legal Assistant (been in this role for 15 years), and I still have a very active and busy social media management business that I run on the side.  On top of all of that, I sadly lost my Dad back in April.  It was sudden, tragic, earth shattering and all the things I don’t like to think about or feel, but it’s my reality, and it totally sucks.  I also lost my 17 year old cat Nala, who this blog was basically named after, and that really hit hard.  So, with all of that being said, I’m trying to somehow navigate my life while maintaining my sanity, as if that’s even possible…. is it?  I guess we’ll find out.

Even though it’s fun and exciting being in my 30’s and finally feeling like I know who I am as a person, sometimes I get lost in the battle of “I shouldn’t be stressed/sad/anxious, so many people have it so much worse, I’m so lucky to have a beautiful life with family, friends, healthy kids and a happy marriage…”  and I start to feel guilty, almost like I should never complain about the tough times and that I have no excuse for taking a break from this blog, from finishing my 2^nd book, for all the projects I don’t get done and the piles of laundry that don’t get folded. I probably yell and cry too much, and sometimes I want to curl up in a ball under my sheets or better yet run the f*!k away and never come back… but then I remind myself that everyone has their own “worst”, and everyone is entitled to their own feelings, and being a mom is freaking hard.  Life is hard, but it always gets better.  Things always work out, family sticks together, and as my Dad always said “what comes around goes around.” This is when I remind myself that I’m only human, and god damn sometimes that alone is a lot to handle, but things always do have a way of working themselves out.

But enough about ^ that, let’s move on to the good things – shall we?  As I said above, I got married in 2021 – our wedding was everything I hoped it would be – an intimate ceremony, a big reception that felt just like the best party I’ve ever been to with the greatest food and music, and this year Paul and I will have been together for 12 whole years!  It’s pretty incredible to have someone you know will stick by your side through it all, and that’s truly what I have with him.  I couldn’t get through life without him, that’s for sure.  Jase turned 2 in December, Jackson just turned 6 three weeks ago, and I can honestly say these kids are the best things that have ever happened to me.  Challenging me in ways I’ve never known, and loving me in ways only sons can love their mothers (boy moms – am I right?), God truly knew what he was doing when he gave me two boys.  My hands are full (AF), but my heart is even fuller.  Oh god, I sound like one of those corny plaques that people hang up in their living rooms next to the “Live. Laugh. Love.” signs… Moving on.

We still live in MA, we are hoping to buy something bigger eventually, we are both plugging away at the so-called American Dream, I still can’t smell after having Covid in 2021, I’m still a vegetarian, I have recently rekindled my love for fitness over the last year, I still fantasize about becoming a columnist and living in NYC as the next Carrie Bradshaw, I’m still obsessed with Taylor Swift, and I wrote a poetry/lyrics book in 2018 (which you should all purchase a copy of).  Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry, and I'm always overstimulated by something (especially noise and the feeling of heat/AC or something of the like blowing on me).  I have a new found love for very specific Italian red wines (everything else gives me a headache).  I love strong coffee, and I will easily sit in a 15 minute drive through to get it or else my whole day will just feel wrong (all while panicking that I'm already late for wherever I have to be).  I will never say no to sitting outside under some string lights, and I love going to the beach/lake/pool, etc., but my ideal vacation is in a big city with skyscrapers and tons of little hole in the wall restaurants/bars/shops and countless opportunities for Instagram worthy photos.  I will pretty much strike up conversation with any stranger, I still have the same group of best friends, my mom is my ride or die, and I very much still wish my sister would move home from Tennessee.  Anything else I’m sure you’ll read about as this blog evolves once again.

So thanks for reading, if you’re new here, welcome to my corner of the world, and I hope you can find solace and appreciation in my chaos.  I’d like to believe that all good things are ahead.  I’d say I deserve a little break... but honestly, I know that I’m now indestructible and ready to handle whatever life throws at me with grace, strength, and more empathy than ever.

Be back soon, and here's to a happy healthy 2025 (even though it's almost March)!

Love,

Holly