I came back and then disappeared again, and I feel like I should say sorry. But am I really sorry? I mean yes, I'm sorry that I got so distracted by summer and life that I forgot to sit down here and catch up right when you guys were getting used to reading the blog again, but I'm also not really sorry because I know you get it. Life, with kids especially, is so busy. Summer was wild with the jam packed weekend plans, and the weekdays were crazy - figuring out summer camp, child care, working from home with the kids or at the office for only a few hours on certain days, and coordinating drop offs/pick ups/appointments felt a constant juggling session of plans and to-do lists and things to remember, and I was constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated. I also got in a car accident, my jeep was totaled, nothing seemed to be going my way, and I let it get to me. Honestly, I felt sort of guilty about looking forward to September, but I craved it nonetheless. Summer was definitely fun and fulfilling, but it lacked the structure that I so badly need in order to mentally survive, and I could almost taste the crisp air and cooler mornings I was waiting for, the ones that symbolize the chance to reset and restart.
I didn't want September to come so that my kids could be in school and away from me all day while I worked in peace, I was looking forward to September because my kids and I thrive on routines. Waking up at the same time each morning to their cute messy bedhead hair, feeding them good breakfasts, packing healthy lunches, having consistent sports/dinner/bath/shower schedules, Jase starting preschool and having his own new little world, and just knowing what each day and night would bring, that's what I, as an anxiety prone and semi-neurotic person, needs. I need routines and plans and lists in order to stay on track of things, keep a clear head, and have a sense of accomplishment, and I really really hate last minute changes. I don't do well with the unknown - I like to know what's coming, where we are going, who will be there, whether it will be hot or cold so I can dress appropriately, what time we are eating, and what shoes I need to wear. You know?
Do those things always go the way I plan? God no. But do I still try every single day? Yup.
Speaking of that, I now have 15 free minutes while I finish my salad to write this post, but I have been distracted 15 times already by work emails, texts, phone calls, interruptions at my office door, and the little voice in my head reminding me I need to fold the clothes I forgot to put in the dryer last night and anxiously asked Paul to do this morning at 5:30am so they wouldn't be wet all day (which he did). But, I decided I needed to come back to this blog and show up again, because I can't be the only mom out there just trying to get by, and it's nice to get the comments and messages from my readers who just get it. I like this little space of mine so I can connect with all of you on a real, raw level of working parenthood so that none of us feel alone while trying to just make it in 2025. Being a mom (or better yet a "working mom" as they call it - notice how no one ever calls a dad who works a "working dad"??) is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me, but it's also been the most challenging in so many ways. It has taught me so much about who I am as a person, but more importantly, who I want to be. This is why I try so hard to do all the planning and mental organizing and list writing, so that I can show up as the mom they deserve, and so that I can reduce any stress where it can be reduced. It doesn't always go the right way and though I wouldn't trade it for the world, I would definitely have liked to have been a little more prepared.... but as my dad told us when we announced our pregnancy with Jackson, "there's never a right time, you're never prepared, you just do it, and you figure it out as you go..." I guess I didn't fully realize what he meant back then...
But as I sit here writing this last paragraph, I'm interrupted by a call from Jase on Paul's phone telling me how much he loves and misses me, and I stop and think.... maybe I don't need to be prepared to be a good mom??? Maybe all I really do need is just to take it day by day, love my kids and husband with all I have, teach us all how to forgive and forget the bullshit, focus on the fun times, our health, our happiness, to work through the hard times, count our blessings, always kiss each other goodnight, say I love you one million times per day, to not be so hard on ourselves, to wake up each morning being thankful, and to take a pause before I let the overwhelm get to me, because when I hear my son's voice on the other end of the phone telling me how much he loves me, I'm reminded that maybe I am doing it right, and maybe those are the things I need to add to my daily to-do lists - to focus less on the laundry and dishes, and more on the hugs and couch snuggles. Maybe I need to slow down. Maybe I need to stop pressuring myself so damn much.... and maybe, just maybe on a random Thursday in November at 3:30pm, I've come to realize that my Dad was right all those years ago. I really am figuring it out as I go, and oh my God I think it's working....
